Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Year of the Grown Woman (reprint)
This content initially appeared in the online magazine, The Vyne. It leverages my thinking on authenticity to create a goal-setting (and meeting) process for the New year.
We all have that great aunt or family friend who says exactly what she thinks, whether you ask her or not, and is completely comfortable in her own skin as a self-possessed, powerful woman. That is a grown woman. Grown women are confident, they are clear on who they are and what they think. They make choices in alignment with their goals and are unapologetic about it. More than anything, they are themselves, come what may.
Earlier this year, The Vyne featured an article which highlighted a few grown woman-isms. Among them, tips on the importance of keeping your house clean, your bills paid and your personal presentation tight. But as we move into the new year, a year that promises to bring us new opportunities to shine, perhaps the most important grown woman-ism is to “Be yourself.” In Carla Harris’ book, Expect to Win, she highlights authenticity as being key to achieving personal and professional success. But what is authenticity? Ms. Harris describes it has having a clear sense of who you are and honoring sense of self through your choices. Being authentic maximizes your personal power and attracts opportunity and success to you. Consider these three tips to being authentic and nurturing your inner grown woman:
1) Get clear: If you can’t state with clarity the kind of job, relationship, friends, and life you want do not pass go, do not collect $200. You will be lost until you do. Take an hour, (get a glass of something if you must), make your lists, and prioritize what is important in each of those arenas – you’ll need that for the next step.
2) Make a commitment: When you know what matters to you, and how those things stack up against each other, you can commit to a course of action. If you’ve decided that right now is the time to make the leap for home ownership, then naturally taking a higher paying job trumps being able to work from home 2 days a week. But keep your eyes open – you might be able to have it all.
3) Be consistent: Once you’re clear on your values, your purpose and your needs and you’ve committed, make choices that are in alignment with your values, purpose and needs. Surround yourself with a community of friends and family who are also clear on what your intentions are and who can support you as you move with laser focus. Taking one step at a time in the direction of your goals with consistency will ensure that you meet them.
As we get older (and better!) we naturally become more self-assured but why not give that growth a turbo-boost with some healthy self-reflection. 2011 will be a year of tremendous growth and transformation, but only for those of us who are clear. We need to know now, more than ever, what matters most to us and why. Being a grown woman is about more than just taking care of business. It’s about being clear on who we are and what we want and pursuing those things with confidence. Here’s to the grown woman in you!
So tell us, how do you plan to be a “grown woman” in the new year?
We all have that great aunt or family friend who says exactly what she thinks, whether you ask her or not, and is completely comfortable in her own skin as a self-possessed, powerful woman. That is a grown woman. Grown women are confident, they are clear on who they are and what they think. They make choices in alignment with their goals and are unapologetic about it. More than anything, they are themselves, come what may.
Earlier this year, The Vyne featured an article which highlighted a few grown woman-isms. Among them, tips on the importance of keeping your house clean, your bills paid and your personal presentation tight. But as we move into the new year, a year that promises to bring us new opportunities to shine, perhaps the most important grown woman-ism is to “Be yourself.” In Carla Harris’ book, Expect to Win, she highlights authenticity as being key to achieving personal and professional success. But what is authenticity? Ms. Harris describes it has having a clear sense of who you are and honoring sense of self through your choices. Being authentic maximizes your personal power and attracts opportunity and success to you. Consider these three tips to being authentic and nurturing your inner grown woman:
1) Get clear: If you can’t state with clarity the kind of job, relationship, friends, and life you want do not pass go, do not collect $200. You will be lost until you do. Take an hour, (get a glass of something if you must), make your lists, and prioritize what is important in each of those arenas – you’ll need that for the next step.
2) Make a commitment: When you know what matters to you, and how those things stack up against each other, you can commit to a course of action. If you’ve decided that right now is the time to make the leap for home ownership, then naturally taking a higher paying job trumps being able to work from home 2 days a week. But keep your eyes open – you might be able to have it all.
3) Be consistent: Once you’re clear on your values, your purpose and your needs and you’ve committed, make choices that are in alignment with your values, purpose and needs. Surround yourself with a community of friends and family who are also clear on what your intentions are and who can support you as you move with laser focus. Taking one step at a time in the direction of your goals with consistency will ensure that you meet them.
As we get older (and better!) we naturally become more self-assured but why not give that growth a turbo-boost with some healthy self-reflection. 2011 will be a year of tremendous growth and transformation, but only for those of us who are clear. We need to know now, more than ever, what matters most to us and why. Being a grown woman is about more than just taking care of business. It’s about being clear on who we are and what we want and pursuing those things with confidence. Here’s to the grown woman in you!
So tell us, how do you plan to be a “grown woman” in the new year?
Friday, December 24, 2010
So far, So Fast
This post is dedicated to my Fastgirls, without whom I would not have felt the urgency to be authentic. You inspire, humble and amaze me with all that you bring to the world. Thank you.
Today marks the end of the 90 Day Be the Expert Challenge. As I type this I am overcome with emotion. This post represents the last 'required' post of the last set of tasks for the challenge. I missed the 9PM deadline, rendering me incomplete with the challenge. As usual, I procrastinated and I find myself writing this post to complete the challenge. I feel a mix of emotions but mostly a calm about not having completed the challenge but still having had my life transformed by this work--even in the face of enormous disappointment with myself. I was the only person out of 13 women left in the challenge to be incomplete at this last check in. What can I say about that? I was being authentic. (Insert ironic smiley here.)
The last 90 days have taught me a lot about what I value, how I prioritize my time and what I am willing to do to be true to myself. I fell into authenticity as an area of expertise and as a life practice, as a behavior because this is what the challenge has demanded. It demanded from the beginning that I be clear about my value and values, that I commit to taking action and spending time with my community of Fastgirls, and that I was consistent in each of these things.
Fastgirls helped me refine my passions and create my path forward at a time when things were a bit murky. Fastgirls surfaced the framework for my forthcoming leadership curriculum. In a year of great loss, gave me an expansive sense of self, which is invaluable in a way I never could have imagined. I came to Fastgirls looking for some idea about what would vaguely be next for me and what I leave this challenge with is near perfect clarity about what I am called to do.
When I was 11 years old, I participated in a life-changing leadership development program and the homework component was at times overwhelming. Some nights, at 11PM, when I'd had all I thought I could stand, my mother would offer me a glass of water, rub my back and tell me I could read another page, write another paragraph. From prep school to college, from college to grad school and at every job in between, my mother was there with a word of support and hand to hold.
Though my mother died almost 9 months ago to the day, I have no doubt in my mind that she has been with me these last 90 days, encouraging me to write every blog post, present in every letter of gratitude I've written to poets who've changed my life. She has seen me grow and change in this work, defining for myself a path that she always saw for me when she gave me journals, imploring me to write, or tell me to challenge myself, ensuring that I'd grow. For all that I have gained these last 90 days, I also dedicate this note to my mother, my very first Fastgirl.
Today marks the end of the 90 Day Be the Expert Challenge. As I type this I am overcome with emotion. This post represents the last 'required' post of the last set of tasks for the challenge. I missed the 9PM deadline, rendering me incomplete with the challenge. As usual, I procrastinated and I find myself writing this post to complete the challenge. I feel a mix of emotions but mostly a calm about not having completed the challenge but still having had my life transformed by this work--even in the face of enormous disappointment with myself. I was the only person out of 13 women left in the challenge to be incomplete at this last check in. What can I say about that? I was being authentic. (Insert ironic smiley here.)
The last 90 days have taught me a lot about what I value, how I prioritize my time and what I am willing to do to be true to myself. I fell into authenticity as an area of expertise and as a life practice, as a behavior because this is what the challenge has demanded. It demanded from the beginning that I be clear about my value and values, that I commit to taking action and spending time with my community of Fastgirls, and that I was consistent in each of these things.
Fastgirls helped me refine my passions and create my path forward at a time when things were a bit murky. Fastgirls surfaced the framework for my forthcoming leadership curriculum. In a year of great loss, gave me an expansive sense of self, which is invaluable in a way I never could have imagined. I came to Fastgirls looking for some idea about what would vaguely be next for me and what I leave this challenge with is near perfect clarity about what I am called to do.
When I was 11 years old, I participated in a life-changing leadership development program and the homework component was at times overwhelming. Some nights, at 11PM, when I'd had all I thought I could stand, my mother would offer me a glass of water, rub my back and tell me I could read another page, write another paragraph. From prep school to college, from college to grad school and at every job in between, my mother was there with a word of support and hand to hold.
Though my mother died almost 9 months ago to the day, I have no doubt in my mind that she has been with me these last 90 days, encouraging me to write every blog post, present in every letter of gratitude I've written to poets who've changed my life. She has seen me grow and change in this work, defining for myself a path that she always saw for me when she gave me journals, imploring me to write, or tell me to challenge myself, ensuring that I'd grow. For all that I have gained these last 90 days, I also dedicate this note to my mother, my very first Fastgirl.
Words to live by...Kahlil Gibran
"...and my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom."
--Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
--Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Words to live by...Henry David Thoreau
“A truly great book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint…What I began by reading, I must finish by acting.” - Henry David Thoreau
Words to live by...James Baldwin
“Whatever it is you want, what you want at bottom, must be to become yourself: there is nothing else to want ..." -- James Baldwin, The Cross of Redemption, Uncollected Works.
...and creativity.
Just completed another article about self-reflection and authenticity. We'll see how it's received. If I get a follow on, I will definitely elaborate on each of the components of authenticity as I understand it today -- clarity, commitment, and consistency. The three C's if you will.
Perhaps another clear cousin is creativity. Here is a video from Ken Robinson about how schools impact students' ability to be creative. Enjoy!
Perhaps another clear cousin is creativity. Here is a video from Ken Robinson about how schools impact students' ability to be creative. Enjoy!
Clarity, commitment, consistency.
1) Get clear: If you can't state with clarity the kind of job, relationship, friends, and life you want do not pass go, do not collect $200. You will be lost until you do. Take an hour, (get a glass of something if you must), make your lists, and prioritize what is important in each of those arenas - you'll need that for the next step.
2) Make a commitment: When you know what matters to you, and how those things stack up against each other, you can commit to a course of action. If you've decided that right now is the time to make the leap for home ownership, then naturally taking a higher paying job trumps being able to work from home 2 days a week. But keep your eyes open - you might be able to have it all.
3) Be consistent: Once you're clear on your values, your purpose and your needs and you've committed, make choices that are in alignment with your values, purpose and needs. Surround yourself with a community of friends and family who are also clear on what your intentions are and who can support you as you move with laser focus. Taking one step at a time in the direction of your goals with consistency will ensure that you meet them.
2) Make a commitment: When you know what matters to you, and how those things stack up against each other, you can commit to a course of action. If you've decided that right now is the time to make the leap for home ownership, then naturally taking a higher paying job trumps being able to work from home 2 days a week. But keep your eyes open - you might be able to have it all.
3) Be consistent: Once you're clear on your values, your purpose and your needs and you've committed, make choices that are in alignment with your values, purpose and needs. Surround yourself with a community of friends and family who are also clear on what your intentions are and who can support you as you move with laser focus. Taking one step at a time in the direction of your goals with consistency will ensure that you meet them.
And so it begins...
This week when I gave my talk, one of the audience members asked me what was next for me. This was a tough and scary question in that it forced me to declare my intentions. I mean, I have spent the last several weeks, likely months, talking to myself about what I'd need to do next. But here I was, giving a talk, answering questions about my subject matter when someone pierced through the topic to ask me about what all this authenticity stuff meant in my own life. I paused, chuckled nervously and responded, "Well, I have decided to pursue a life as a writer." There, I had said it. I publicly declared that I would abandon my work in education to take a vow of poverty, er, poetry.
What was most interesting about this declaration is that once I made it, the details of my plan came spilling out. I talked about the approach I'd take to making the transition, the tools and resources I'd need to take advantage of and the timing of it all. I was clear, I had committed and because I had made the commitment a public one through this talk's Q&A, I'd be held accountable and made to demonstrate my intentions with some consistency. Clarity, commitment, and consistency. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
What was most interesting about this declaration is that once I made it, the details of my plan came spilling out. I talked about the approach I'd take to making the transition, the tools and resources I'd need to take advantage of and the timing of it all. I was clear, I had committed and because I had made the commitment a public one through this talk's Q&A, I'd be held accountable and made to demonstrate my intentions with some consistency. Clarity, commitment, and consistency. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Authenticity is a Journey
This week, I had the opportunity to give a talk on authenticity. Authenticity is an elusive topic and can be a slippery fish. I attempted not to define authenticity for the folks on the call, but to explain that much like love, we know authenticity by its fruits. Integrity, responsibility, transparency. These are often some of the clearest indicators that we or those around us are living authentically.
There are tons of books and videos on the topic, but I will share two resources here which may help you begin to unravel the topic.
First, a book: The Passion Test, written by Janet Bray Atwood and Chris Atwood. This book begins at the beginning by having you identify what your passions are and then build your life around them.
Second, a video: A talk by Richard St. John about success being a continuous journey. I like this because I think that authenticity is a journey as well. Enjoy!
There are tons of books and videos on the topic, but I will share two resources here which may help you begin to unravel the topic.
First, a book: The Passion Test, written by Janet Bray Atwood and Chris Atwood. This book begins at the beginning by having you identify what your passions are and then build your life around them.
Second, a video: A talk by Richard St. John about success being a continuous journey. I like this because I think that authenticity is a journey as well. Enjoy!
Young People and Authenticity
Recently, I was interviewed by youth development/education expert Sallome Hralima about how young people can fully express themselves and be authentic. Here is a link to our video. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Meaning or Ambition?
Last night, I had the pleasure of having dinner with an amazing group of friends. We were talking about the life changes it feels like we're on the cusp of as individuals, and collectively. We spoke at length about what drives us, what makes us happy, what we do if nothing else mattered and money were not an issue. I was thrilled to hear that it sounds like nothing else does matter with these folks. All compelled by some life's dream or calling, moving at varied speeds for sure, we are all building the momentum we're interested in seeing power our respective projects.
In a recent article on Huffington Post, Russell Bishop poses the question about whether we work for ambition or for meaning? I challenge each of us to think about that as we move about our day to day work.
In a recent article on Huffington Post, Russell Bishop poses the question about whether we work for ambition or for meaning? I challenge each of us to think about that as we move about our day to day work.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Poem: Twice Born
I am lucky.
My mother loved me enough
to birth me twice.
The first time she was
young and strong and fertile.
Her hips spread wide,
her breathing deep,
She bore down and pushing
gave me life.
Sprung forth one early morning
to the winter air I came.
We had a life together,
my mother and I,
some silent agreement
that she would see me through life,
saving me from myself indefinitely.
One early morning,
my mother decided to birth me again
--she loved me that much.
This time, older and sicker,
body withered, drawing in,
shallow breath in stony lungs,
she, grasping, gave me life.
One early spring morning,
coldly lovingly she left
--and I came to my life again.
Our agreement broken
Or altogether different
Than I thought it was.
My mother birthed me twice.
She loved me that much.
I am lucky.
My mother loved me enough
to birth me twice.
The first time she was
young and strong and fertile.
Her hips spread wide,
her breathing deep,
She bore down and pushing
gave me life.
Sprung forth one early morning
to the winter air I came.
We had a life together,
my mother and I,
some silent agreement
that she would see me through life,
saving me from myself indefinitely.
One early morning,
my mother decided to birth me again
--she loved me that much.
This time, older and sicker,
body withered, drawing in,
shallow breath in stony lungs,
she, grasping, gave me life.
One early spring morning,
coldly lovingly she left
--and I came to my life again.
Our agreement broken
Or altogether different
Than I thought it was.
My mother birthed me twice.
She loved me that much.
I am lucky.
Poem: I am clear
I've made up the dishes
and dried off the bed
I'm wandering woman
I'm walking while dead
and the voices I hear
have escaped from my head.
I've paid all the houseplants
and watered the bills
I'm listening softly,
and crying at will
and the person I pawned
is becoming me still.
I'm sorry I hate you
I'm happy you left
I'm dodging my feelings
and weaving the weft
I'm wheeling and dealing
with a hand that is deft
I'm writing my eulogy
sealing the chest
I'm toasting the people
who treated me best
I'm taking the good things
and leaving the rest
I am clear, I am clear, I am clear.
and dried off the bed
I'm wandering woman
I'm walking while dead
and the voices I hear
have escaped from my head.
I've paid all the houseplants
and watered the bills
I'm listening softly,
and crying at will
and the person I pawned
is becoming me still.
I'm sorry I hate you
I'm happy you left
I'm dodging my feelings
and weaving the weft
I'm wheeling and dealing
with a hand that is deft
I'm writing my eulogy
sealing the chest
I'm toasting the people
who treated me best
I'm taking the good things
and leaving the rest
I am clear, I am clear, I am clear.
Poem: Return to Sender
I am going to sit
in the middle of myself.
Points belabored
noisy neighbors
people point and stare - so what?
I am going to sit on the stoop pf my life,
perch and watch the people pass
smirk and hear the people laugh.
Tip toe up the stairs
to stare into my own windows
while I fold my laundry there.
The problem with composure
is that it is oftentimes misleading
and denies the the self the bleeding
and while placating
leaves pleading - the soul.
Hungry, starving, compulsive
feeling clasped in hands - composed.
I'd rather riff the rage and
scat the storm.
I'd rather beat the drum and strum
the heartstrings
plucking plucking
fucking nerve it takes
to improvise.
Improvisation is
composition is
improvement is
composure.
I am going to square my shoulders and
circle myself.
Take me in and
size me up.
Why not>
Join the pity party
feeling partly like myself
feeling sorry for myself hardly
hardly, am myself.
Pretend. Perform. Perfect composure.
Expect, explain, accept.
Compost-like
bullshit, like
full of it
like pull your own shit.
I am going to roll my eyes and
suck my teeth and
give you all kinds of sass ans stank.
And I might stand arms akimbo
feet pigeon-toed
rolling neck, "I told you so"s
and wagging perfect, pink-tipped finger.
I will allow myself the anger
and the confusion
the madness of angry woman
once-loving, once loved
to seep out my pores
oozing you, oozing at you.
Making you squeamish
so you can see this.
Me standing
staring
staking out my own self
trying to assess what ever is valuable inside.
All because you
made me stand outside myself
and question my plans
for my own design.
You led me through rooms of myself -
rearranged to your liking
and being a mutable sign
and an adventurer, wanderer
seeker, sister, lover -
I let you.
I let you
you hurt me
you left me
you learned me
you stopped.
BUT I LET YOU
I loosened my grip
on what I didn't want and you
began to step away.
half-heartedly I
followed you,
chasing in the end because really -
who likes to lose?
Know this:
You may have left and you may be gone
but before you walked out,
they were playing my song.
I packed up your things
and I bid you adieu
and just so we're clear
dear, it's not me
it's you.
But more importantly
I am walking proudly up the steps
to my front door
jangling my keys -
one set for me.
I am walking through
foyers, looking at furniture
needing to be put back in place
boxes unpacked
clutter undone.
Dusty windows
and burnt out bulbs
long forgotten
in the dim light of love.
Low, low light.
I am steeping tea
and playing Nina
ironically grinning at no one in particular.
Humming to myself, barefoot
in these rooms
to these walks
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas.
I serenade myself
a song for me.
Song of myself
a welcome home ditty.
Ne me quitte pas.
And I promise me
that I won't sit outside myself
while someone rearranges me
ever again.
I will open the shutters
and pull up the shades.
I will use the china and
read the good Book.
I will feast to my own presence
smelling of jasmine
and glowing the color of honey.
I will embrace myself this day,
welcoming me home.
in the middle of myself.
Points belabored
noisy neighbors
people point and stare - so what?
I am going to sit on the stoop pf my life,
perch and watch the people pass
smirk and hear the people laugh.
Tip toe up the stairs
to stare into my own windows
while I fold my laundry there.
The problem with composure
is that it is oftentimes misleading
and denies the the self the bleeding
and while placating
leaves pleading - the soul.
Hungry, starving, compulsive
feeling clasped in hands - composed.
I'd rather riff the rage and
scat the storm.
I'd rather beat the drum and strum
the heartstrings
plucking plucking
fucking nerve it takes
to improvise.
Improvisation is
composition is
improvement is
composure.
I am going to square my shoulders and
circle myself.
Take me in and
size me up.
Why not>
Join the pity party
feeling partly like myself
feeling sorry for myself hardly
hardly, am myself.
Pretend. Perform. Perfect composure.
Expect, explain, accept.
Compost-like
bullshit, like
full of it
like pull your own shit.
I am going to roll my eyes and
suck my teeth and
give you all kinds of sass ans stank.
And I might stand arms akimbo
feet pigeon-toed
rolling neck, "I told you so"s
and wagging perfect, pink-tipped finger.
I will allow myself the anger
and the confusion
the madness of angry woman
once-loving, once loved
to seep out my pores
oozing you, oozing at you.
Making you squeamish
so you can see this.
Me standing
staring
staking out my own self
trying to assess what ever is valuable inside.
All because you
made me stand outside myself
and question my plans
for my own design.
You led me through rooms of myself -
rearranged to your liking
and being a mutable sign
and an adventurer, wanderer
seeker, sister, lover -
I let you.
I let you
you hurt me
you left me
you learned me
you stopped.
BUT I LET YOU
I loosened my grip
on what I didn't want and you
began to step away.
half-heartedly I
followed you,
chasing in the end because really -
who likes to lose?
Know this:
You may have left and you may be gone
but before you walked out,
they were playing my song.
I packed up your things
and I bid you adieu
and just so we're clear
dear, it's not me
it's you.
But more importantly
I am walking proudly up the steps
to my front door
jangling my keys -
one set for me.
I am walking through
foyers, looking at furniture
needing to be put back in place
boxes unpacked
clutter undone.
Dusty windows
and burnt out bulbs
long forgotten
in the dim light of love.
Low, low light.
I am steeping tea
and playing Nina
ironically grinning at no one in particular.
Humming to myself, barefoot
in these rooms
to these walks
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas.
I serenade myself
a song for me.
Song of myself
a welcome home ditty.
Ne me quitte pas.
And I promise me
that I won't sit outside myself
while someone rearranges me
ever again.
I will open the shutters
and pull up the shades.
I will use the china and
read the good Book.
I will feast to my own presence
smelling of jasmine
and glowing the color of honey.
I will embrace myself this day,
welcoming me home.
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